Mostly Smiles
Meaningful Security
Minimal Sorrows
Master’s Sufficiency
Many Supplications
Merciful
Sanctification
Mystery
Solved
These are
just a few of the ways M.S. is defined in my life. Though its official term is Multiple
Sclerosis that is not what it means
for me. Please allow me to explain.
Eleven
years ago in August an odd thing happened to me. As I was driving to church, I took a sip of
coffee and noticed that the left half of my top lip felt numb. I found that odd, but didn’t think much of
it. However the next day the numbness
had spread a little farther up my face.
After a few days it had covered the whole left side of my body. I was unable to walk without help, smell with
my left nostril, taste with the left side of my tongue and my vision was
double. My husband was out of the
country on a mission trip so I found someone to watch my three small children
and drove myself to the Dr. That was the
beginning of a lot of tests, but the first stands out the most to me. It was a defining moment in my life. The Dr. told me that my symptoms seemed a lot
like M.S. and she sent me to the lab. As
the cheery nurse who was taking my blood asked what I was there for I had to
choke back tears and tell her I was being tested for M.S. a disease I knew
almost nothing about. As I got in the
car to head home, the tears did come, but so did a resolve, as well as a verse
from Job. Chapter 1 vs 21 “Naked I came
from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and
the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be
praised.” I spoke it out loud and meant it.
I would praise Him no matter what.
That brings such amazing security, to see how your heart responds in a
trial, to be able to trust my Sovereign God completely even if He takes away my
functionality.
It was a
very humbling time for me, having to rely on others to do simple tasks. I have no trouble helping others, but letting
them help me is hard. To lie there and
watch as someone folds your clothes and cleans your kitchen is not easy, but it
is very educational. During that time
God gave me several verses to really cling to.
1 Peter 1:6-7 In all this (my eternal inheritance in
heaven) you greatly rejoice, though now
for a little while you
may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have
come so that the proven genuineness of your
faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by
fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus
Christ is revealed”.
2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power
is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my
weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
1 Peter
reminded me that trials are short lived, at least in light of eternity and that
trials are given to prove my faith. I
was encouraged that by simply enduring through I was bringing the result of
praise, glory and honor. My faith was
being strengthened. 2 Corinthians
reminded me that when I am weak I give God far more credit because I realize I
can’t do it alone. It is a great relief
to be able to boast in your own weakness – but it is a hard lesson to learn.
I
continued on with a myriad of tests.
Every other Dr. was either baffled or not confident enough to diagnose
me. In the midst of all the tests my feeling, vision, taste and smell were
slowly returning. My limp was the last
to leave, but by January it was gone as well.
The last Dr. I saw said “I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but if it
happens again come back.”
When I
went home I wrestled with the temptation to worry about if whatever “it” was
would come back. To this day I have not
experienced anything close to the severity of that attack. I have had bumps along the way, minor
episodes when my vision goes double, or an aching in my head returns, or
extremely irritating and uncomfortable sensations occur on the left side of my
body and occasional “fuzzy thinking”. I
have always been functional and taken those episodes as reminders of God’s
amazing grace and that each day is a gift.
Every
few years an episode would be a bit more than annoying and I would be prompted
to go back through the gamete of tests again. But I got the same results “We
don’t know what’s wrong with you.” Through those times there was a bit of
frustration but not for the reasons you might expect. You see, in all of this, from the outside I
looked just fine. No one could tell if I
was doing well or not. So when an episode would hit, it was easier for me to
just pretend all was well instead of go into a long explanation of what has
happened and how I feel but don’t know what is wrong with me. I was never frustrated by the symptoms
themselves, because I have such a peace that God is in control of my life and
will grant me the grace I need for each situation.
Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in
everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be
made known to God. And the
peace of God, which surpasses all
understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Has proven true in my life. When I am tempted to be anxious I turn to God
and He grants peace that is beyond my ability to explain. His sovereign Hand that is working all things
together for my good and His glory is such a comforting thing to rest in.
This year God brought a new couple to our church,
and it was through them that He finally led me to a diagnosis. I had an episode in April and began speaking
with my new friend. As I explained my
symptoms she nodded her head in understanding and would finish my descriptions
of certain things. It was the first time I had ever had someone truly
understand as I explained how I was feeling.
She insisted I go see her Dr.
Honestly, I didn’t want to, more tests and a dead end weren’t my idea of
the best way to spend my summer. But
there was this prompting on my heart to go, so I did.
This Doctor was more thorough than any I have
ever seen before and he was determined to figure it all out. So back to the
lab, the ophthalmologist, the main campus of Cleveland Clinic for more tests
than I’ve ever had before, and the results are in – after all this time, I
finally have a name for what randomly interrupts my life: Multiple
Sclerosis. But you know what? It really
doesn’t change anything, except it is much easier for me to explain to people why
certain things at certain times are hard for me. It doesn’t change my outlook on life because
my God, who is my source of strength, is still the same. His grace doesn’t change based on a label I
may have, and my faith won’t change based on an ability I lose. In some ways it
excites me, because I get to see how He will use this for His glory. I know He has a reason for it all. He is the God of all comfort and as He has
comforted me, I can comfort others.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Blessed
be the God
and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who
comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who
are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted
by God.
I can’t say that this has all been easy, but I can say that God
hasn’t yet given me more than I can handle, and through it all He has made me
stronger, more content and joyful. I think
my favorite meaning for M.S. in my life is: Master’s Servant – that’s what I
want to define me.
